I know you're a jerk, but I still love you
by ginny6259
Summary: Kotoko's thoughts after leaving Kin-chan, when he proposed to her. Hope you'll enjoy it!


Everyone around us has always thought (and still thinks by the way) that you will never turn to me, never love me back. You're a genius after all, calm and self-controlled, whereas I am stupid, clumsy and over-excited. Yes, it will surprise you but I'm very well aware of it, thank you very much. However, I have always had hope in us. Amazingly, I have always thought we were fated to be together. I mean, how can such a coincidence exist? I'm in love with you, and the moment I really decide to give up of you, bam! my house collapses because of an earthquake, and we come to live together. And, after living with you for five years, I still want you. I know you're a genius, handsome and you have a lot of qualities, but let's be realistic, you're a total jerk. You're selfish, cold, mean self-conceited, and many other flaws. Would a sane girl really bear to be ignored and treated that way for such a long time, even though she loves the guy? I don't think so. I considered it several times, and after a long reflection, I came to two conclusions: either you're my only match on this earth, or I'm a masochist. Having no other weird tendencies, I had concluded you were my destined man, it's just that you didn't know it yet.

But to tell you the truth, I'm tired. Tired of suffering because you treat me badly, tired of pretending to be fine in front of the others. Tired of loving you without you even looking at me. Tired of waiting for you to turn around. That's why I wanted to give Kin-chan a chance. All the time I had longed for you, he had longed for me. I knew he would provide me with everything I wanted: love, home, and I knew he would treat me like a princess, unlike a certain person, that I won't mention. However, tonight, he has proposed to me. At that moment, I have realized that I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend we're just having fun without ambiguity. He's just not you. Can I really live happily if I'm married to a man I don't fully love? And will that make Kin-chan happy? I don't think so. I know that because I wouldn't be fully happy to be with you if you weren't in love with me. Even though I know that with Kin-chan, I would have many more chances to be happy but still, I only see you. Love is a very strange thing you know. It comes unexpectedly, and once it's here, it won't leave you. I know everything about you, and more than one girl would have run away, but here I am, loving you more than ever.

Why do you have to tease me? Why do you have to make me hope? Every time I tried to forget about you, you crushed all my good resolutions. Remember our first kiss? It was just because I told you I would forget about you. I thought things would change between us, but you became worse. Yes, it is possible. It is one of the things that have always impressed me about you. When we think you can't be meaner and crueler, you prove us that, actually, you can. How can you love someone and at the same time hate him? Because as much as I love you, I really hate you. It's a really weird sensation, a sensation you wouldn't understand even though I explained to you.

It will surprise you, but I still have pride, and I don't want to be humiliated anymore. I have decided that you're not worth my suffering. I'm not saying that I will forget about you, because I know I can't, but I won't interfere with you anymore. Chris is a good girl. I really really really want her to be happy. She's much more flawless than me, so treat her well. I want you to be happy too, even though it is not with me. Maybe in fifty years, when I will have become an old spinster surrounded with cats, I will still think you were my only match. Well, not maybe, surely. Still, I must give up on you. I apologize for all the trouble I've caused you.

Thinking so much of you, you suddenly appear in front of me. It happened before. But why, this time, do you look so real? Words are coming out of my mouth, but I can't hear anything. Surprisingly, you're answering. Why are you waiting for me? To make me suffer one last time? I won't be bothered by you. I'm really serious this time. Nothing good will come out of it. I'll be leaving your home, I'll find myself a good man, I'll…

Suddenly, I'm frozen, I can't think anymore. This feeling, this sensation. It's strange, but so familiar, so good. When you kissed me for the first time, I felt the same thing. Why does it seem so natural? Why do I feel so good? Again, you're shattering all my good resolutions. I can't go on after that. But do I have to? You're telling me not to love any other man. Coming from you, it's a real love confession. You're hugging me tightly, and I know you believe in what you're saying. Maybe I wasn't that wrong after all; you may really be my other half, my only one. I know it won't be an easy path, we will still argue, I may still suffer, but, well, it's not as though we had an ordinary relationship. Once again, I'm ready to take the risk. I may really be a masochist, but this time, I not only believe, but I'm sure there will be a "we".


End file.
